I'm doing all i can
I sit and talk with god, explain everything and i think He just laughs to my plans.
Does that mean that subconsciously I want(ed) to be saved.? 
Having a disease like this means that there are times when I may  trip.  It’s like having a seizure.  You just can’t plan for it.  It  happens and you deal with it as best you can.  It hits you and you pick  yourself right up, check for damage or injury and you carry on.  
.....
Heh, When I told you that I didn’t believe I have the capacity to love, I  think you misunderstood.  It’s not that I fear intimacy.  Perhaps I do –  a little bit.  But it’s not a fear of abandonment so much as an  inability to feel.  How do you say that you don’t want something when  you have never had that in your life.?  How do you know you don’t want it  or you don’t like it when you have never experienced it.?